I have been a fan of Hellboy for a long time. From the first comic I read, I just loved him. Granted I haven’t read them all, and I haven’t even started on B.P.R.D. I have seen both of the Guillermo Del Tor films and loved them. I thought that not only were they a fair representation of the comics, but they were just great movies. So, when I heard that they were making a reboot, I had mixed feelings. I thought they were going to screw it up, because they screw up everything. But, I also thought that there was little hope that they wouldn’t.

Hellboy is a movie about a half-demon who makes it into our world through a portal conjured by Nazis. He is raised by a professor and grows to fight monsters and evil for the government. I don’t want to tell you too much about it. But, there are plenty of fantastical characters to make things interesting. While you won’t see Liz Sherman or Abe Sapien, there are a couple of other characters that help Big Red along the way.

There isn’t much to say about this film that is kind. The direction wasn’t great and the writing was horrible. It just feels like someone trying too hard to be funny at a party. The original couple of movies were like the cool guy at the party that was funny, but not because he tried. Because he was just funny. He had a little bit of an attitude, but a huge heart. He words things in a way that is entirely entertaining, but he doesn’t try to. He just happens to be entertaining to be around. This movie is more the guy who wants to be that. The guy who tries to emulate the cool guy and tries too hard. You want this guy to find himself, but he doesn’t have a real self. He’s just the guy who tries too hard to be funny.

Ian McShane is cast as father and it becomes quickly obvious that they chose him because of his voice. It certainly isn’t because of his acting. If he had acted as his character from John Wick, his role would hav been perfect. Instead, he becomes the dad who really wants to be your friend. And I’m sorry, but Father wasn’t Phil Dunphy. He wasn’t the guy who wanted Hellboy to like him. He was the guy who got things done and taught Hellboy to be a man. But, in this film he is closer to the dad that memorizes choreography from High School Musical so you will like him. David Harbour isn’t even close to the Hellboy we got from Ron Perlman. I don’t think anyone expected that, since we all know nobody ever could be. But, he isn’t in the same solar system and that’s just sad. He comes across as a tween who wants to jump into adult conversations to say emo things that he thinks is funny for attention. But, it never works and he only lands one of ten jokes. Even then, it’s to a slow clap. The acting in this film isn’t worth noting. Nobody stands out and nobody gave a performance worth calling acting.

There are a couple of good fight sequences and it was nice to see monsters and characters that you don’t see much. And there is a scene that is pretty creepy, with Baba Yaga. But, those are pretty much the best the film has to offer. There aren’t any exceptional special effects or color palette. There isn’t a lot of aesthetics or mood manipulation. The movie wasn’t worth watching, really. Wait until you can catch it on a streaming service or RedBox. Even then, you might want to make it into a night of popcorn. The kind you wash down with beer or liquor. Lots of it.

P.S. Instead of making this film, a reboot, they should have made the third Hellboy. Guillermo Del Toro and Ron Perlman wanted to make another, and for a while we thought we were getting it. They wanted to make it and we wanted to see it. But, some executive and his lackeys thought that a reboot would be better. Because they don’t see a comic character and his story. They see fans who want this character, the rest doesn’t matter. And they think that regardless of who the movie turns out, they will get it. Well, the movie they made is subpar. And there is NO WAY that Guillermo Del Toro would have made anything this bad. Even if they switched directors, there is NO WAY that Ron Perlman would have been this bad. And there is NO WAY I will recommend this movie to anyone or watch it again. It was so bad that I had to watch the two Guillermo Del Toro films to cleanse my palate.